19 Books That Changed Me

So maybe you noticed there was no post on Monday. Yeah. That was supposed to be the July Wrap-Up post but I just can't do that right now. We're in the middle of packing and moving and I'm still doing university in the midst of that... yeah. I'll probably do a double wrap-up in September.

But today I wanted to do a fun post suggested by my dear friend Ryana Lynn: 19 books that changed my life or perspective in some way, shape, or form.

So let's see what we get!!

1. The Holy Bible. 

Cliché? I think not. This year I have pored over my Bible and I have learned so, so much. God has really spoken to me. I'm on a challenge of reading through the Bible in a year, aside from my devotions, and I just play the Bible and listen to it while I do chores. I love it. The Bible is an amazing book and so full of Truth and Beauty and Wonder and Hope. I never grow tired of it, nor do I regret reading it. Seriously. If you have not read the whole Bible yet, I challenge you to do so. It will change your life. I strongly recommend using the Authorized King James Version because it is the only pure version, but that's a discussion for another time. 

2. Basic Principles of Speech by William Trufant Foster & Lew Sarrett--1946 EDITION.

I simply cannot explain everything this book has done for me. As a writer, it taught me so much about how to write effectively and well. As a singer, it taught me how to stand up in public with poise and grace. As a person in general, it taught me a lot about life and gave me much to think about. It taught me how to express myself well in every way. I strongly recommend this to all young people. Unfortunately, it's basically impossible to find... 

{ My Review }

3. Enemy Brothers by Constance Savery.

This book is really marvellous. I can’t even begin to tell you the amount of writing advice I’ve extracted from it. My sweet friend Mary H. & I have dug deep and wide into this book and we’ve pulled out SO much amazingness and beauty. This book taught me a lot about duty and true courage and strength and true love. It taught me about prejudice and hate. It taught me about life. I know some people dislike it, but as a rule, even those people liked some of it, so I strongly recommend it to everyone. Oh, and I want to be a Phemie. <33

{ My Review }

4. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott. 

I’ve read this book basically all my life, and it has taught me so much. It’s taught me a lot about living life, especially as a woman. It’s taught me about loving people. It’s taught me how to write. It’s reminded me again and again of how GOOD our God is. 

{ My Review }

5. Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery.

I’ve read this series almost all my life as well. Each time I read the Anne books I come away with new wisdom. If there’s one thing I admire about Anne, it’s her power to see the beauty in life and pass it on. Anne had a hard life, but everyone knows her as a joyous, wonder-filled girl. She kept that all her life. I love her power to draw people out and make them feel truly loved. Her power to change lives simply by pointing them to the beautiful truth. I really just wanna be a girl like Anne... If nothing else, read the first three books at least. 

{ Anne of Green Gables }

{ Anne of Avonlea }

{ Anne of the Island }

6. Daniel Boone, Wilderness Scout by Stewart Edward White.

This book gave me so much respect for Daniel Boone and the other pioneers of America. It taught me that it's worth digging into the lives of the names that are constantly dinged about as "heroes." 'Cause many of them really are heroes. And just 'cause they're not of my nation doesn't mean I can't respect them. Daniel Boone was an amazing man, guys, and he completely earned his position as a hero. 

{ My Review }

7. Tattered Wings by Kassie Angle.

I've always been fascinated by the police. But this book gave me a second glimpse into it. It also taught me a lot about the military. And about selfless ordinary heroes just showing up and doing what they can. I'm not American, but again, that doesn't mean I can't honour real heroes... and there are heroes just like that all over the world. This is why I wear my Thin Blue Line bracelet almost 24/7. 

{ My Review }

8. The Singing Tree by Kate Seredy & Rilla of Ingleside by L.M. Montgomery. 

Um, yes. Break my heart, why don't you? These books tore me apart. I've always been especially intrigued by World War One and World War Two. These books showed me what war really is. For real. What it costs, both of man and child, soldier and civilian. These books changed my mind on the whole "war is glorious" type of attitude I had. Oh, I still think sometimes war brings out the best in people, and sometimes it has to be done, but it also brings out the worst in people, and as far as possible, it should be avoided. I swear Walter Blythe is a real man buried somewhere in France, representing the chivalrous spirit of that war and the millions of lives and dreams shattered by greed and hatred. (Also, Mother from TST. That woman, let me tell you... amazing.) I'd like to mention Stay Where You Are & Then Leave as another book that gave me a different perspective on WWI. 

{ The Singing Tree }

{ Rilla of Ingleside }

9. A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens.

I've always been someone who begged for happy endings, no matter how unrealistic. This book was one that refused to bow to pressure and give the happy ending because it was unrealistic. And it was beautiful. So beautiful. There is redemption, guys, there is redemption. Sydney Carton is a beautiful portrayal of how far God can reach and how completely He can change a life. I want to share about that redemption, you guys. There is always hope and I will proclaim that. 

{ My Review }

10. The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom.

Ouch. For the girl who can hardly stand having a sore throat, doesn't like spending more than two hours alone, and has intense love for people, this was rough. This book helped me get a grip on my complaining and lack of thankfulness. It also helped me get a grip on the fact that God knows what He's doing and He knows best. That is a message I need so desperately...

Oh, and can we mention God's Smuggler here too? Because it kind of deals with the same thing, with the addition of God answers prayer.  

{ My Review }

11. What Katy Did Series by Susan Coolidge. 

These books really impacted me hard. The early Katy strongly resembled me, and I aspired so much to be the woman she grew up to be. Courageous, gentle, wise, skilled, beautiful in character... I want to be a Katy. Clover, too, is an amazing role model...

1. What Katy Did.

2. What Katy Did at School.

3. What Katy Did Next.

4. Clover.

5. In the High Valley.

12. The Elsie Dinsmore Books 1-9 by Martha Finley.

I haven't read the rest yet, but so far, these books are amazing. Each one slams me in the face with a reminder I needed. Elsie as a woman is another of my role models. What a good, wise, lovely woman she was! She may seem a little perfect, but I believe she really just found the strength in Christ to leave a good, pure life. And man, I aspire so much to be able to quote ropes of different Bible verses like she does! 

1. Elsie Dinsmore.

2. Elsie's Holidays at Roselands.

3. Elsie's Girlhood.

4. Elsie's Womanhood.

5. Elsie's Motherhood.

6. Elsie's Children.

7. Elsie's Widowhood.

8. Grandmother Elsie.

13. Johnny Tremain by Esther Forbes. 

First off, Rab. Can we just mention Rab for a minute? I really admire how he influenced Johnny so much for good. How much he changed Johnny without Johnny really noting. Second, this was the first American Revolution book that gave me a different side than the old "we don't like authority" side. This gave me a lot to think about. I still don't think the war was right, but I see Johnny's motive and agree that it is a noble one. This was the first book to challenge my mindset about Britain and the first that made me admit, ya know what, England is composed of human beings and of course, she messed up sometimes. And there's no shame in admitting that. It's in seeing mistakes that you can fix them and avoid them. Since then, Sophia's War, Redcoat in Boston, and Rebecca's War also gave me some new perspectives on the Revolution, which I am grateful for. 

{ My Review }

14. Mrs. Dunlap's Commentary by Isabella Alden.

This was a super sobering reminder to me. Does my life live out the Bible? 

That's all. 

But that is huge. 

{ My Review }

15. In His Steps by Charles M. Sheldon. 

Whoa. What a powerful, convicting story. I admit I almost hated it because it convicted me so hard. What if I did live my life according to "what would Jesus do?" Absolutely amazing. 

{ My Review }

16. Three People by Isabella Alden. 

Yes. Wow. Ummm... wow. Theodore is an amazing young man, and a tremendous role model. And boy, do I ever love the message about obeying to the letter... Yeah. This is just so full of amazing stuff and really taught me a lot. 

{ My Review }

17. People Who "Haven't Time" & "Can't Afford It" by Isabella Alden.

We're kind of in the Alden stage, hm? Yeah. Isabella Alden is an amazing writer whose stories seldom fail to slam me with a message I really needed. This one, for instance. There are just SO many good reminders in this book... Pansy's writing, is just awesome. 

{ My Review }

18. My Daughter Susan by Isabella Alden.

Can I just say I want to be a Susan and leave it at that? This girl taught me so much. Just go read the book.

{ My Review } 

19. A Modern Sacrifice by Isabella Alden.

Of all Pansy's books, this one probably hit hardest. I am passionate about the message that we are a peculiar people now. And I do my best to live up to it and share it. 

{ My Review }

Obviously, these aren't ALL the books that changed me but they're probably the most important ones. Most of these books are free--the links lead to free copies, for the most part; the rest can all be read for free on Archive, I believe--so dig in! ;) 

I hope you enjoyed this post! Thanks again to Ry for the idea. Let me know down below if you've read any of these books, and what are some books you'd classify as changed-your-life/perspective!

19 Assumptions About Me

(no, I don't wear saris. But I love them a lot)

So I decided to make some more of the "19 things" posts. Because it's fun. :D This time I asked my Instagram followers and my friends to send in assumptions they have about me, and I'm super grateful to each one of them--and especially to the two who sent in two extra ones to make up 19. :) <3

So.... let's start! :D

~ Ryana Lynn ~

• You like pie more than cake.

I do. I like cake (I have a sweet tooth ;P) but I love pie. Apple pie is the best. Also lemon meringue pie, and pecan pie, and raisin pie, and blueberry pie, and cherry pie, and raspberry pie, and sugar pie, and.... I don't like strawberry pie. But I like most pies. :P

• You prefer carrots over broccoli. 

Actually, that depends. I hate raw broccoli, but I love raw carrots. I hate cooked carrots, but I love cooked broccoli. So... it depends whether it's cooked or raw! 

• You would rather do hair than make-up.

I've never done makeup in my life, so I don't really know. But I seldom do anything with my hair. A ponytail and a bun is the extent of my hairdressing. So I really don't know. 

• You would lean more towards natural tones with a bit of colour than bright colours.

Hm. No, I think like bright colours best. They're sooo vivid. <33 

• You would rather listen to music than play an instrument. 

Yes! I don't like playing instruments. I don't even really like listening to music unless it has words or it forms a picture in my mind. <33 

• You like royal colours! 

I do, very much!! Royal blue and royal purple are my top favourite colours. <33 

~ Kassie ~

• You like hot tea.

I do not. I don't like any kind of tea. ;P It's flavoured water. Plain water tastes much better--especially when it's cold. XD

• You don’t like glitter.

I do not. It's messy and you can't contain it and it ends up everywhere. It's not even really pretty, I think. 

• You sing alto.

I don't. I sing the melody. My second-oldest sister sings harmony. I think I'm a mezzo-soprano... ? 

~ Bestie ~ 

• You hate to cook.

I don't. xP I actually enjoy it. 

• You hate when your morning routine is messed up. 

I DO. VERY MUCH. I DO NOT LIKE HAVING MY ROUTINE MESSED UP, BUT EARLY MORNING IS THE WORST. Guaranteed to put me in a bad mood unless I #choosejoy very strongly indeed. ;P

 ~ KeiAnna ~

• You are a rule-follower naturally. 

Yes. Rule-following is natural to me and I have a hard time when I haven't any rules to guide me. I always look for them and try my best to follow them. I actually have a lot of anxiety over rule-following. It's very important to me and it bothers me when people don't obey the rules--especially people I love. 

~ Esperanza ~

• You have blue eyes.

Yes! Blue-grey eyes that are not super strong. :)

~ Brooklyne ~

• You love reading indie published books.

Guilty as charged! I'm planning to be an indie myself, Lord willing, and I love supporting other indies and young writers. :) 

• You love taking pictures.

I do. Photography is a favourite hobby of mine. :) All beauty makes me happy and I love to capture it and pass it on for others to see and enjoy! 

• You love pink.

Lol, I wonder how you knew? *gazes at the 965 times I used the hot pink on my IG stories* I love pale pink too, but I like hot pink best. :)

~ Kaitlyn ~

• You’d rather be inside than outside.

It depends. Most of my hobbies are done inside, so I spend a lot of time inside. But I love being out of doors in the wind and sunshine and birdsong. Looking around me at this beautiful world. <33 

~ Kennedi ~

• You have always loved reading, & secretly love to read your childhood books still. 

ABSOLUTELY. I have been a lover of books since as long as I can remember--and before that too! As a toddler I carted my favourite books around with me everywhere. Not much has changed, lol!! I still love my childhood books and own a lot of them still... and yes, I do read most of them still. :)

~ Rebekah ~ 

• You are very opinionated. 

I can neither confirm nor deny.... lol!! Just kidding. Yes, I am very opinionated on everything! And it takes a fair bit of convincing to change my opinion. You have to prove me completely wrong before I change my opinion. :)

So there you are!! Again, thank you so much to everyone who participated and sent in assumptions. If anyone wants to send in assumptions in the comments, feel free! I'll answer them below. :)

~ / / ~

What do you think of this blog series? Would you like to see more posts like this? If so, what kind of 19 things would you like me to do about??

Halfway Through 2020: A Recap

July. Halfway through 2020. 

What a year.

    Yes, 2019 was a year of change and growth. I matured. I saw my flaws. I learned a lot. It was a hard year but a good one. I thank God for the friends He gave me this year to support me as I navigated this (adult) life. I thank Him for fulfilling my dreams. I praise Him for changing my heart. I've changed a lot over this year.

    So, 2019, goodbye. Thank you for teaching me so much. Thank you for forcing me to be honest and see my flaws. 

    I look forwards to 2020, the year of change.

    ~Goodbye, 2019, the Year of Growth, December 30, 2019. 

    So 2019 was the year of growth. It was the year that rocked the style of life I'd had for 17 years. It was the year that showed me just how much it had cost me to drift with the tide and take things easily. It was the year that I decided to dig my heels in and change, painful as that is. 2019 brought a lot of tears as I realized the mess I'd become. I lost a lot of good habits and fell into bad ones. Mostly, I found myself struggling hard against laziness. I'm a naturally lazy person and as I grew older I became more and more lazy. The consequences have caught up with me and I had found that I'm not happy with them. So I am going to talk a bit about the changes I want to make in my life this year. [...]

    The third change is--I want to be brave. I'm gonna be 19 this month. I've been an adult for one year and I'm sick of all the fear and nervousness I've suffered. I don't wanna do that. And I don't have to. God doesn't want me to live in a spirit of fear. I have tp be brave. I have to rein in my thoughts. I have to trust God. And I need to let go of my pride. 

    Finally, the fourth change is--be more Christlike. This really envelopes all this. I want to be temperate, like Christ. I want to be orderly, like Christ. I want to be courageous & humble & trusting. This year, I want to work on handing things over to God. I don't want to let anger & fear control me any more. I want to love people & help them. I want to show Jesus' love. I want Him to shine though. I want to be His reflection. 

    Of course, I have other little aspirations. I'd like to read certain books, write certain things. But that's it. And these things don't count as much. They are not my real goals. I don't want to chase these material goals and ignore my real, important, spiritual goals.

    I love how the new year is a chance to start over. A blank slate. But no matter how hard you try, unless you have God's strength, you'll never be able to change yourself. And God helping me, I will change this year. I read this post yesterday and almost teared up. This is the cry of my heart in 2020. God help me to keep my eyes on this. I want to be a Little More Like Jesus.

    So my word of the year? Christlike. [...] And my hymn of the year... Take My Life & Let It Be.

    So yes. This is the year of change. This is the year in which I will allow God to change me. Where I'll let Him direct my path. Change my plans. Control my soul. I don't expect to be perfect. I am expecting lots of tears and trembling and difficulty. But I know Who holds tomorrow, and I know Who holds my hand--and I know that He will lead me into better things than I could ever dream.

    ~Hello, 2020, the Year of Change, January 1, 2020

January was hard. Lots of uncertainty. College complications, so I wasn't sure when I could start (and I was terrified to start). My 19th birthday, which was one more year closer to 20 and one more year of being an adult. It was a hard birthday, and also an unhappy one. But I had made up my mind not to let fear rule my life any longer. I had had enough of it. I wanted to change. I wanted to be close to God. I wanted a real life. And I knew I had to learn to put down my pride and know it wasn't about me, it was about Jesus.

    I knew this was going to be the kind of year when I’d have lots of questions & few answers. I knew this would be a year when I’d have to have courage & faith. I knew this would be the year when I’d have to surrender my plans to God & follow His plan. I didn’t expect it to start so early, though. Right into the new year, my college plans were disarranged & I still don’t have a concrete answer. And on Sunday, I had a mini reminder that it’s not my plans, it’s His. Sunday I was sick & I didn’t go to church. Sunday wasn’t what I had planned, but it turned out a really nice, productive, restful day. 7 days into the new year, God has already been telling me: “Have courage, hold My hand, step out in faith, & follow My plans, because they’re even better than you could think of.”

     ~His Will, Not Mine, January 7, 2020

    You’re trying so hard to be the right kind of person. You’re trying to help people. To love people. To be there for people. To be an encouragement to people. And sometimes you start thinking... people don’t appreciate you. They don’t seem to notice. They don’t appear to care. And you start feeling hurt. You feel as if you’re doing it in vain. You feel uncared for. Stop. Yes, stop. Stop thinking like that. You’re not here for you. You’re here for Jesus. You’re doing it for Him. You’re doing it because it’s what He wants you to do. He sees. He won’t forget. He knows it all. It’s not about what you accomplish or how well you’re known or if people even like you or not. What matters is that you’re following Christ & doing what He tells you to do. And no matter what, it’ll be worth it. Cling to that promise & don’t give up. Don’t give the Devil the satisfaction of knocking you down by your own pride. Stand firm in Christ’s strength. And keep working for Him. Your reward will be great in Heaven. 

    ~It’s Not About Me, It’s About Jesus, January 27, 2020. 

February was one month closer to my first university class, which began in April. It was a month of frantically trying to get head of things on a dozen projects. It was a daily battle against fear of the Unknown. It was tears. It was seeing a lot of my own faults and flaws. It was finally forgiving people who hurt me and asking for their pardon. It was trying to support people whom I loved, the way I'd like to be supported. It was reading my Bible and finding so, so many wonderful things. It was finding out that choosing joy is a choice and a beautiful choice and a life-changing choice. It was learning a ton of little life lessons. 

    When this journal prompt came out, I came upon the blog post and prepared to answer the answers in the comments. But the first question stopped me. 

    What brought me real, pure joy?

    In my heart, I knew it wasn’t Jesus. Other people said reading their Bible, or praying. For me, it was nothing of the kind. It had nothing to do with the Lord. Possessions & friends were what made me happy.   So I didn’t do that challenge. Because I couldn’t. I didn’t have joy. I had a type of happiness. But not True, Pure Joy. 

    Fast-forward to 2020. I remembered these journal prompts (there are several) and remembered that I wanted to do them. I’d forgotten what they were, but I found that the February one was this one—Discovering Joy in Jesus.  This time I had no problem answering these questions. My answers were true and heartfelt. I have joy in my Jesus. 

    This year I’ve been trying hard to choose joy daily and intentionally. I’ve discovered that the joy of my Lord is my strength. I have discovered that choosing joy in the midst of circumstances CAN be done—but only in Him. I am so much happier now than I was in 2018 or 2019. Because I have surrendered to the Lord. Surrender brings joy. I believe that with all my heart. Because I’ve lived it out.  Surrendering myself to God and truly obeying & following Him has made a radical change in me. I’ve found joy. And I am never going back to that dreary desert of my own will and pleasure. Choosing God’s will and pleasure made roses blossom in my wilderness. I won’t look back. 

    ~Having Real, Pure Joy, February 26, 2020. 

March was trying to be there for friends who were struggling. Trying to get everything done--life + projects + reading + writing + blogging + being there for friends + instagramming. Lots of worry about college for next month. Lots of fear & anxiety & worry. The beginning of COVID. Quarantine. No church. The economy threatening to stop. Late spring and cabin fever. But overall, God's peace. He had prepared me. He had shown me so many wonderful verses that told me He had it all planned out. I was overwhelmed by His mighty and wisdom. And I was at peace about COVID, more at peace than I ever had been before. 

    If you know anything about me, you know I’m a worry-wart. I worry about anything & everything. It’s been a huge problem in my life. This year I’ve really started cultivating peace & joy in Christ, & I’ve seen such a HUGE difference. The beginnings of COVID-19 didn’t bother me at all. I had no idea what it was & everyone I knew was really chill about it, so I didn’t worry. I still don’t worry. I’ve had the flu before, and yes I have weak lungs, but colds always go to my lungs & I use my inhaler & everything’s OK. At any rate, I see no need to worry about it. But I did worry about items disappearing off the shelves, prices rising, & the economy generally being affected. But as I felt the stirrings of fear in me, I also was reminded of the message from Matthew 6. I encourage you to read the verses I selected (swipe to see a clearer copy). These verses really steadied me, comforted me, & reassured me. It’s OK. I don’t need to worry about those things one bit, because I’m a child of the King & He will provide for me. “Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.” I don’t need to worry about today. My business is to focus on today, & to keep living for Him. In this time of panic & anxiety, I can shine His peace & joy. Once more, it’s all about Him, & not about me. 

    ~Fear, March 16, 2020. 

    I love seeing memes of “this is what we thought 2020 would be & this is how it turned out.” It’s such a huge reminder that we have NO idea what is coming up in our lives. No one expected this twist. It came as a shock. But God is totally not surprised. He knew all about it. He is running the whole thing. & He has it all under control. He knows how long it will last & what it will do, & He is caring for us. That’s the most amazing, beautiful, calming thing ever. I can’t even fully grasp it—but wow. The Creator of this amazing universe is holding us in the palm of His hand & is personally caring for each & every one of us. He’s got this. We haven’t. We don’t know what to do. We can’t do anything. We’re afraid. But God’s got this. He’s got this. Just say that to yourself a few times. I don’t have to “get this” because God’s got it. God’s got this, no matter what happens. 

    ~God's Got This, March 19, 2020. 

    The other morning I woke up to find a message from a sweet follower that told me she found inspiration in how I put Jesus first in my life, and that my faith in the Lord really encourages her. I was deeply touched. It has been a long journey to get to where I can even encourage people in Christ. If you had told me two years ago, or even a year ago, that I would be doing this, I would not have believed you. I felt that I was very unspiritual & I struggled to even read my Bible & pray. Putting the Lord first in my life was a choice. I was tired of the way I lived my life. I was tired of being unhappy & unsatisfied. I longed for a real, deep relationship with my Saviour. And I made a conscious choice to start working on that. It hasn’t been easy. I have fallen down often. But the Lord is always willing to lift us back up. Every day it is a choice to put Him first, & I’m not as good as I may come across. I fail, I fall, I sin, just like you. It’s easy to write something very spiritual; it’s a lot harder to live it. But I do try, I do genuinely want to, & I think that is half the battle. I have found the reward, & I am determined to press on. Putting God first is a choice, & it is totally a step you CAN take. I promise. No matter where you are now, you can change & you can grow. I am a worrier by nature. My teen years were increasingly filled with fear & anxiety, until in 2018-2019 I lived in a prison of fear. I worried until I would become physically unwell. I lost sleep by stressing & picturing the worst. I cried a lot. At the end of the year, I decided I needed to address this. I was sick of living in so much fear. Throughout the year I had seen that God always knew best & that things often weren’t as bad as I had feared. I decided to try to stress less. The fact that I surrendered to Christ & gave my life over to Him really drastically changed things. He gave me a peace such as I had never experienced. I did not attain this on my own, I did not even consciously choose to let go of fear. All I chose was to choose joy in Jesus, & choosing that brought me calm. In spite of all the uncertainty in my life in February (usually something that triggers anxiety in me) I was at peace. I was joyful. In March there was a lot of reasons to worry. And yes, I did worry a little. But I found release in Jesus. He showed me how much He deserved my trust & how I had absolutely no need to worry. And I chose to trust. It’s a conscious choice, to let go of your fear & have faith. It is not an easy choice. It is a conscious, constant choice. But it is a choice that is oh-so-worth-it. When you chose to have faith, the Lord builds up your faith. Trust & joy go together. I am so much more at rest & so much happier now than I ever was. Thank God, I found freedom. That freedom is found in surrender. It’s that easy, & that hard. 

    ~Putting Him First + Choosing Faith, March 30-31, 2020.

April. Oh my, April. My first month of college. Man, I was so, so scared to start. But as always, once I began, I loved it. It was so fun. It was a lot of work, and there was frustration, but overall, it was fun. Things were getting more and more uncertain. Life got more and more stressful as college got harder and I kept loading things onto my plate. Quarantine was extended. Still lots of fear about the economy, especially for my American friends. Struggling because all my attempts to help and encourage people seemed so unseen and worthless. But I kept finding so much beauty and wonder in my Bible--actually studying it was so, so worthwhile. And He kept telling me He was in control. And I was still learning so much. And once more, in a new way, He reminded me--it's all about Him, it's not about me. 

    Recently I have been struggling a little with these posts. Nothing seemed good enough. I didn’t know what to say. The words weren’t coming. Yesterday evening, the reason why suddenly came to me. It was because my focus had changed. Instead of striving to be an encourager & a helper, I was trying to write pretty words. I wasn’t writing from my heart anymore; I was just trying to string together beautiful phrases. I was dissatisfied because they weren’t pretty enough, but also because they weren’t heartfelt. It was simply rhetoric. My purpose had changed, almost without me noticing. Instead of Jesus being my model, my model was other girls/writers. My goal was to be thought a good writer, not to bless people. It wasn’t an easy realization to make, but I’m grateful the Lord showed me where I was heading. Because I don’t want my focus to be praise & compliments. I don’t want to just write pretty things. I want to be an encouragement, a blessing, a helper—a Barnabas. In Jesus I find all I need. I am far more satisfied when I share about what He has done & is doing in me, then when I just write flimsy, pretty sentences. There is beauty in plain, simple words, because our God’s works are marvellous. The comparison trap & the “meeting up to” game is easy to fall into, but it’s a deceitful place. All it brings you is dissatisfaction & struggle. In Jesus is your identity, your worth, you satisfaction. He is all you need to make you happy. Stay where He has placed you & do what He has told you to do. There is no other way to be happy than to trust & obey. 

    ~What's Your Purpose?, April 9, 2020.

    There was a time back in January when I started stressing & worrying myself very much over something that might happen in June. (Notice the “might.” It wasn’t even certain yet.) I got myself very worked up & stayed upset about it for a while. Thanks to COVID-19, the happening very likely may not happen at all. Thinking of that today, I realized how foolish it was to worry myself so much over an event so long before it came up. So much can happen in six months—there is such a thing as thoughtful preparation, but there’s also such a thing as foolish anxiety. Another thing I was very afraid/anxious about all year was also changed by COVID-19. So, I’m just clinging to this reminder for my anxious heart: be at rest. The clouds you see gathering before you may break & let the sun through. Don’t worry uselessly in advance. Keep journeying forwards. Above the clouds, the sky is still blue. Keep your eyes upturned & walk in bold faith. When you arrive at the place you dread, you may find the clouds were all in your own vision. 

 ~Don’t Let Your Eyes Deceive You, April 30, 2020. 

May was simply a continuation of April. College, which was fun and frustrating. Writing. Instgramming. Blogging. Supporting friends. Church from home. Hearing everyone freak out and worrying about them. Trying to keep up with everything I'd been doing before college started. Still no end date in sight for COVID. I got locked out of my phone and had to reset it and lose things. And then, suddenly, an outburst of riots in my friends' country. I was so upset at the destruction of life and property. I was so afraid for my friends. I was so angry at the injustice of all the anti-police screaming. I was so frustrated that no one was speaking up for the truth or trying to find out where it lay. Peace & trust was still a daily--hourly--battle. 

 I’ve been fighting a lot of anxiety & worry lately. I had a lot of peace earlier this year, even in the beginning of this COVID-19 mess, but lately I’ve found anxiety creeping back into my heart. It’s hard to stay happy & positive when everyone else is worrying & complaining. And then there was my phone/password fiasco which shook me badly. It made me face my biggest fears: I had no control over what was happening. I lost. I failed. I wasn’t good enough. It brought a lot of self-deprecation. It also made me wonder a little... “why isn’t God doing anything? I prayed so hard. I was doing the right things. Why didn’t He answer my prayers?” And now, right after that, something else I’m really afraid of is being shoved in my face & I have to deal with it. So no, I’m not always joyful. No, I’m not always peaceful. I haven’t all the answers. But this I know, & this God has been reminding me: HE IS GOOD. He will turn all this for my good. And to this promise I can & will cling when everything else fails me, because it is true & will never let me down. I believe with all my heart that He is using this time for my good. I’ve already seen some good that came out of it. And I have learned from it. No, I’m not in control. Yes, I will fail. No, I can’t do anything to win God’s favour. Yes, He knows best & if He said no... it’s for a wonderfully good reason. No, I cannot listen to what others are saying. I must focus on Jesus. When my eyes are on Him instead of on the storm, I can walk on the waters. It doesn’t matter what is happening; it doesn’t matter what others say. All I need to do is keep my eyes on Him & believe His promises. And they abound: He is with me, He is in control, He will turn it all to good, He will never fail me. If I keep my eyes on Him, I am filled with His joy & peace. Friends, don’t focus on the storm right now. Focus on the Prince of Peace, the Mighty God, the Everlasting Father. He will give you all the peace, & strength, & grace, & joy, & companionship you need. He will care for you. And He will use this for your good.

 ~Finding Peace, May 12, 2020

June was hard. I was so heartsick and frightened. So much injustice, so much hate, so much fear, so much uncertainty, so much delusion. But God spoke to my heart and led me to stand up and start speaking truth, even if it meant people were angry with me. I'm a huge people-pleaser. That was one of the most terrifying things I've ever done. But I did it. And He blessed me beyond measure. I was still struggling with everything I was demanding of myself, until I finally broke down and realized I just couldn't do it all, and that didn't make me a failure or a lazy flunk. 

    You can’t change history. You can’t censor it. You can’t edit it. You can’t whitewash it. You can’t even ignore it. History is our past. It is something to learn from. We can see mistakes & avoid them. We can see great things & repeat them. We can see great people & emulate them. We can see sins & reject them. You need to learn from history to behave in the present & build a future. You can’t simply ignore history, or rewrite it to suit how you think it should be—no matter WHO you are. What is done is done; what happened happened. You must learn from it. You must tell it as it was so we can see & understand & change. It is because we ignore history that we repeat it—worse each time. You can’t hide your head in the sand & pretend you don’t notice history. Or rather, you can, but it costs everyone a terrible price. It is not right to withhold a nation’s history from it. It is unwise to edit a nation’s history. It is wrong to blame a nation for what happened long before anyone here was alive. It is equally wrong to refuse to see the history of certain people alive today & not challenge them with the consequences. You cannot force people to take responsibility for what they never did, & allow others to evade responsibility for what they did do. Stop trying to change history. Stop trying to let people get away free. Stop trying to guilt people. Stop inventing lies about some things & hiding facts about others. Start teaching history as it really was. Start demanding that everyone own up to their own actions. Start telling what’s real. Start teaching love & grace & mercy. The Truth will set you free.

 ~Speak the Truth, June 24, 2020

    I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again, because it needs to be said. Because my generation needs to hear it. Because I need to hear it. We are not here to follow our own dreams, chase our own ambitions, fulfill our own desires. We are here as witnesses of Jesus. We are here as lights in the darkness. We are here as salt in the world. We are here for God. We are here to tell the Good News. To bring sinners to Him. To share of His peace & joy. To tell of His love. We are of Him, & for Him, & to Him. We are here to serve Him. To carry out His plans, fulfill His desires. This isn’t about us, it’s about Him. This isn’t about me, it’s all about Him. He must increase, & I must decrease. He must be the focus, the reason, the One shining through me. Jesus is all. Remember that as you start this week. May God be glorified in us. 

 ~It’s All About Him, June 15, 2020

    It’s okay to rest. It’s okay not to get it all done. It doesn’t make me a bad person to stay up till midnight and crawl out of bed at eight. I don’t have to have it all flawlessly for people to like me. They won’t hate me for being real and messy. I’m trying. That’s what counts. It’s okay not to be perfect. People will love me anyways. I don’t have to earn their love by being a super college student. It’s even okay to cry, like I am right now. It’s okay to take a pause and reassess what’s going on in my life. In fact, it’s needed. I can’t just go go go all the time. I can’t be perfect. I can’t please everyone. I can’t. And the freeing thing is—I don’t have to. Because Jesus loves me just as I am. Just as I am. Right now. Messy and broken and worthless. If I walk in His strength, I’ll get the important stuff done. It’s not about me. It’s about Him. He’s the important one. Not me. He’s the One people are supposed to see. Not me. He’s the One I’m supposed to be showing. Not me. I just wanna say, to the perfectionist out there—You don’t have to have it all perfect. It’s okay to rest. This is all about Jesus, not you. I will be trying to get my life back on track. In Jesus. For Him. But I will remember that my worth is not in what I do, ever. It’s all in Him. I am not worthy. I will never be worthy. I can strive to be worthy. But He is the One who makes me worthy. And He loves me. Just as I am. And He is working on me to make me better. Because He cares. And I can never earn this. He paid the price for it and He gave it to me freely. And I love Him so much. 

 ~I Can't Earn Anything, June 13, 2020

And then July. July, I chose to set aside things and devote myself to writing. Because the message of this book was needed, and I knew God wanted me to write it. It was hard, it took a lot of time, it took humility... but it was oh so worth it. July was breaking my heart over the pain of people I loved. July was finally realizing I couldn't do anything, only God could. July was a lot of tears. A lot of fear. A lot of uncertainty. A lot of pain. A lot of uncertainty and fear and frustration and anger. But also, a lot of joy. A lot of beauty. And the realization that God has brought me so, so far from where I was in July 2019. He's changed my heart, and I can only fall on my knees and thank Him. And His word has spoken to me in marvellous ways. And He has set me so free as I speak His truth instead of hiding in fear. 

    The voices of the world will always be louder & spoken by more. Staying silent is not the answer. Because the evil is so loud is not a reason for the right to be voiceless. If the right is never spoken, how shall it be known? & who is there to say it but God’s people, who know His Truth? The Truth is the only thing that can combat the wrong. The Truth is the only thing that can set people free. God’s word is the Truth. Speak the Truth. Speak it loudly & boldly. You may suffer for it—didn’t Jesus suffer for speaking the Truth? Didn’t the apostles? It is our duty to speak the truth to a dying, groping world. Don’t let the worldly wisdom and anger of this earth silence you or hold you back. You aren’t supposed to fit in with them. You’re supposed to be different. Like Jesus was. Jesus didn’t let the opinions or backlash of the world to keep Him from speaking the Truth. He only had a handful of followers; most leaders have thousands. But Jesus spoke the Truth & He set people free. Be bold, be strong, be brave—in Him. & speak His Truth. It is the only thing that will set you free; it is the only thing that will set others free. 

    ~The Truth Must Be Spoken, July 17, 2020

    When you think of it—what are you building for? Soon Jesus will return. Heaven and earth will be wiped away. For eternity we shall be in Heaven with Him. No accomplishment on earth will be of any value in the end. The only thing that will last is souls. The only thing worth living for is the work of God—saving souls from an eternity in Hell for an eternity in Heaven. What are you working for? Is your work eternal? Is it gold, silver, precious stones for Jesus—the souls of people? Or is it wood, hay, stubble—your own dreams, ambitions, desires, and plans? In the end, your name will be forgotten. Your business will end. Your books will disappear. You will be forgotten, & all your works will be burned up. Nothing will ever be of any value in eternity except God’s work, which is to save souls from the Judgment. So why keep striving to build your own name when it’s useless? Why not dedicate your strength, your skills, yourself, to the Lord & work to build an eternal work & magnify His Name—the only Name worthy of any praise, & the only Name that shall be praised, forever, in Heaven. Eternity is forever. Will your work be of any use for eternity? Or is it only useful for now, for this earth? 

     ~Will Your Work Last Forever?, July 16, 2020

    I look around me, & what I see is worry & fear. Worry about the virus. Worry about police defunding (or worry about police brutality). Worry about the government stealing rights. Worry about masks & how they affect one’s health. Worry about the economy. Those worries are REAL & LARGE, in that if you dwell on them you will be filled with fear, uncertainty, anxiety, dismay. But friends, lift your eyes above instead. Remember: this is not our home. We know this earth is headed towards rebellion. We know the Antichrist is coming. We know this world will burn in the end. We know the ending of the story, because our God knows & He told us. So what have we to fear? We already know what will happen. We are headed for our Home, & that is our destination. Not any country or city here on earth. We’re just pilgrims passing through. They will do evil. But Jesus will conquer, & Jesus shall reign for ever. Our eternity is secure; what is this temporary tent on earth? It’ll all turn out right in the end. Have peace. God knows. He reigns. And Heaven is approaching. 

    ~We Know the Ending, July 21, 2020

Looking back, I see this. 2020 has been a hard year. But it has also been a beautiful year. I've grown so much. I've made so many wonderful friends. I've learned so much. I've read lovely books and written a story I just love to death and have made so many wonderful memories and spent some lovely days. And through all the heartache and pain, He has taught me to say... 

    Dear Lord, I thank You for teaching me again and again that You know everything and see everything and I can leave everything fully in Your hands... because You have it all planned out and Your plan is perfect.  

    Dear Lord, I praise You for teaching me to see the beauty in the pain... because You fill even my trials with joy, if only I’ll take the time to notice it. 

    Dear Lord, I praise You for teaching me so much and changing me so much and reminding me so often that my life isn't about me, it's about You. 

    So, goodbye, July. You’ve been hard & beautiful & growth-forcing & full of God’s grace. I still don’t know what’s happening in the world or in my life, but He knows & that is sufficient. I’ll let my Father carry it. He’ll give me one day at a time & the strength for it. <3

    I trace the rainbow through the rain...