Today is another of those raw, real, almost-journaling type posts because I need to work through some stuff and I do that best by sharing about it, and because I thought maybe someone else could learn from this. I'm sorry that it's so rambly.
I am an overachiever and a perfectionist. No one doubts it. That’s why I’m a copyeditor, y’all. I notice the details and I care about them, and I want everything to be perfect. Before I started college, I was doing really well. I got my life back on track—I was spending time with the Lord every day & learning a lot, I was writing a lot, reading a lot, blogging well, keeping on top of chores and projects… I was even doing really well with health stuff like sleeping, eating, and drinking water. I was doing better than I had for years, and I was ecstatic.
Then I started university.
The first week, I think, I was able to keep on as I used to. But things quickly went south. I would draw up my to-do lists and find myself incapable of getting it all done. I would get one day really well and the rest of the week terrible. I was struggling to keep on top of my projects. I began to stress incredibly over school, and over everything else—I wasn’t writing and reading enough and… reading is almost my self-confidence, my identity. No one can beat me at reading—I read the most books in a year than anyone I know. And everything else, someone else is better than me, but here I am the best. And so if I wasn’t reading enough books, I felt like I was messing up, disappointing my friends, turning out a lazy bum. To keep my friends, I had to read and write a lot. I know this is a terrible mentality to have, but I’m being honest here. This was my mentality, and this was a tremendous burden and pressure.
I started totally loosing a grip on my life. I often completely forgot to do my devotions. I started staying up super late instead of going to bed early and waking up early. I stressed so hard I could not sleep at night until midnight or later. I totally lost all my good eating habits and pigged out. I forgot to drink enough water. I almost lost a total grip of my read-the-Bible-in-a-year challenge. Most of my projects fell by the wayside. I barely kept up with my diaries. The projects that were most important to me I managed to hang on to, but it was still a struggle often, because I had little to no ideas because I didn’t keep a list like before. I struggled to keep up with my friends and felt terrible for ignoring them while I did stuff like distract myself with spinning stories and reading books.
All this stress was because I couldn’t do it all. I couldn’t do everything I’d done before + college. And of course, the situation in the world right now stressed me out. On top of that, I couldn’t help out around the house as much and I felt terrible for not pulling my own weight. I ran from my problems by distracting myself and felt horrible for being lazy. It got to the point where I unconsciously blocked out my friends’ prayer requests because I couldn’t mentally handle worrying over them. My sleeping habits got worse and worse. There was one day I only got about four or five hours’ sleep, and I’d been on about six hours of sleep all that week. It was awful. I got used to carrying out my days exhausted because I was getting up early but falling asleep late.
To top it all, we had several house visits, which cut into my school hours. I felt awful for not helping clean up. I felt terribly unspiritual because I kept forgetting to pray and read my Bible because I was always in a rush to get stuff done.
On my days off, I tried to catch up on everything I hadn’t done in the week. I never got it all done, and I usually ended up doing something like watching videos with my family, and then beat myself up for it. Not working or studying felt like a crime, because I wasn’t working. I wasn’t doing something. I was just having fun.
This week was Exam week. I had a normal week’s worth of school + the Exam. I relaxed on Monday; tried to catch up on stuff on Tuesday + had a house visit; did a lot of schoolwork on Wednesday; finished up and studied on Thursday. Today, Friday, I fell asleep around midnight, woke up around 7, was too tired to get up, got up around 8, tried to get back on track with my day—and then I had to spend about an hour working on planning a new room arrangement with my sisters & father and then emptying out the room. Then I took a shower and started the laundry, which is my particular chore. Then I was finally at leisure to study. I decided not to read my Bible just then because there was too much noise going on around me and I knew I wouldn’t be able to concentrate, so I planned to do it at lunchtime. I started studying instead.
And I spent most of my day trying to concentrate on studying. I was redoing all the old tests I’d done to prepare and make sure I had the information down. I was exhausted. My eyes burned. I craved to go outside. I was also in pain physically. When I took time off to go outside and to do stuff to relax and change my thoughts, I felt awful. I went back to work and ended up redoing the same test three times because I just couldn’t get it right. I emailed my mother a stupid question that I just couldn’t figure out. This was all stuff I knew, but I could not think of it. My sisters started making supper and I went to help because I felt badly for not. After supper, I relaxed a little again, did the laundry, and then… something happened I didn’t like. My mother tried to talk with me, and I ended up melting. I cried. And I finally admitted what was going on.
For three months my life has gotten progressively worse and I had been struggling to keep it together and feeling like a failure. Talking with my mother finally made me face it and figure out why. It was because I was demanding too much of myself. I could not do everything I was pressuring myself to do. I could not study because I was so tired of studying and I could not concentrate—my brain was not cooperating. I was physically and mentally exhausted from days of little sleep because I couldn’t fall asleep but felt awful for not getting out of bed before 8 a.m.
The fact is, I don’t HAVE to do it all. Its okay if I stay in bed later because I stayed up later. That’s not laziness. It’s plain HEALTH. I can’t sleep, I can’t work. Simple as that. I can’t help around the house like I used to. That doesn’t make me lazy; it just means I have something else to focus on right now. I don’t HAVE to prove to my friends that I’m worth something. I’m not worth something. Reading a lot and writing a lot does not make me more of a valuable person. I’m sure they’ll still love me; they’re amazing people. It’s okay to rest—I can’t study if all I do is study. I need a break. It’s a fact of life.
It’s okay to rest.
It’s okay not to get it all done.
It doesn’t make me a bad person to stay up till midnight and crawl out of bed at eight.
I don’t have to have it all flawlessly for people to like me. They won’t hate me for being real and messy. I’m trying. That’s what counts.
It’s okay not to be perfect. People will love me anyways. I don’t have to earn their love by being a supercollegestudent.
It’s even okay to cry, like I am right now. It’s okay to take a pause and reassess what’s going on in my life. In fact, it’s needed.
I can’t just go go go all the time.
I can’t be perfect.
I can’t please everyone.
I can’t.
And the freeing thing is—I don’t have to.
Because Jesus loves me just as I am.
Just as I am.
Right now.
Messy and broken and worthless.
If I walk in His strength, I’ll get the important stuff done.
It’s not about me.
It’s about Him.
He’s the important one. Not me.
He’s the One people are supposed to see. Not me.
He’s the One I’m supposed to be showing. Not me.
I don’t really know how to end this. I just want to say this is no one’s fault. My family has been supportive and loving, and so have my friends; I was the one with a warped mentality.
I just wanna say, to the perfectionist out there—
You don’t have to have it all perfect.
It’s okay to rest.
This is all about Jesus, not you.
I will be trying to get my life back on track. In Jesus. For Him.
But I will remember that my worth is not in what I do, ever. It’s all in Him.
I am not worthy.
I will never be worthy.
I can strive to be worthy.
But He is the One who makes me worthy.
And He loves me.
Just as I am.
And He is working on me to make me better.
Because He cares.
And I can never earn this.
He paid the price for it and He gave it to me freely.
And I love Him so much.
