Vulnerable & Real

I spilled this out tonight after realizing this with many tears. It’s messy and raw and real. I’m sharing it because I want to be real and a help to someone. I hope some girl can see through this that she isn’t alone, that someone else has struggled as she has/is, and that she too can find healing, peace, and victory in Christ. I want to share my journey through this sea called life and share what I have learned to make things easier for someone. 

As a character I have about three good virtues. It’s easy for me to love people, and hard for me to dislike them. I feel sorry for them easily, and I try to find mitigations or excuses for them a lot. I can be very dedicated and perfectionist.

For the rest, I’m a mess. 

I am always afraid of doing something wrong. I’m afraid to make a mistake. To do something stupid. To cause an accident. To do something wrong. I’m always, always afraid. I worry that I said something stupid, or that I looked like an attention hog, or that I sound too French or too English, or that I did something against etiquette or custom. I’m afraid that I broke the law or will do use something wrong. I’m afraid all the time. 

And because I am not perfect, I have a very low self-esteem. I’m proud, very proud, but because I don’t measure up to my standards that hurts my pride. I’m not witty. I can’t draw. I’m not good at making quick decisions (because I’m afraid of making a bad decision). I can’t play an instrument. I can’t talk French or English perfectly. I don’t read as fast as my sister does. I can’t braid my hair. I’m not pretty. I’m overweight. I’m awkward. I’m clumsy. I’m shy. I’m slow at catching concepts. I’m very naïve. I’m impatient. I’m lazy. I’m very easily discouraged. I’m fearful. I’m not very spiritual at all. All those flaws overwhelm me and to me, I am valueless because I can’t do anything important. To me, I’m a failure. 

And I spend my life in a constant cycle of fear and discouragement. Oh, in between I’m happy. I am easily made happy and I get very happy very quickly. But even in my happy moments, those things stand out.

But now I am looking again. Rethinking my life. Am I a failure? Didn’t God make me the way I was, naïve, clumsy, absent-minded, forgetful, awkward, slow, short, big-boned? And didn’t I make bad choices and end up overweight and scarred by acne and with ugly fingernails? Don’t I have to fight against my laziness and discouragement and pride? 

The answer is YES. 

Yes. I will embrace the body and character God gave me. He didn’t make me witty. He didn’t make me with black hair and a long nose and long hands and small bones and a long frame. He didn’t make me quick at understanding simple everyday things. He made me as I am for a reason. I am not valueless because I am short, or slow, or naïve, or awkward, or absent-minded. He made me that way because He can use me this way if I let Him. And the rest? I can change it. I can change my body weight. I can stop picking at my pimples and biting my nails and having bad manners. I can fight against my laziness and pride and discouragement. 

In His strength. 

I do not need to live in fear. If I genuinely let the Spirit control me,

I won’t say have to worry about hurting or offending people, because I’ll be telling the truth with love. I don’t need to worry about making mistakes, because Christian life is all about grace. I will mess up. I will come short. And I have to. Because when I fail, that’s when I need Jesus’ strength to go on. It’s not my strength that can do this. I cannot love a perfect life on my own. I cannot do this in my own strength. 

My problem is I am focusing on myself. I set myself a standard and did not reach it. And the goal was me. I wanted to be pretty and talented because I wanted people to notice and think well of me. Not of my God. Of me. I want to be strong and perfect in myself. I did not want to accept that I was not perfect and not strong and I needed God’s strength. My image of perfectionism and beauty was wrong. 

I need to realign my goals and priorities. My goal needs to be to be like Christ. To have Jesus shining through me. The outside and the defects don’t matter when Christ is in your heart, because the inside becomes beautiful and it shows through. I need to surrender myself and my pride and let Christ have His way in me. I need to admit that I cannot be perfect on my own, in anything, but through Christ who strengtheneth me, I can have the victory over my struggles and be perfect in Him.